I began playing field hockey at the age of four. Through all of life’s ups and downs, my constant has been field hockey. And without it, I never would have discovered the University of Delaware and met so many amazing people that I now consider family. It’s been everything to me.
So when I experienced shooting pain in my back and my legs would go numb, I couldn’t help but feel annoyed. Scared. Emotional. Betrayed.
But, first, let’s back track.
It was the spring of 2017. It was the middle of my sophomore year and we were all on top of the world as we just stunned everyone by winning Delaware’s first-ever NCAA field hockey title. We were National Champions. Does it get any better than that?
We were all still pretty physically exhausted from going so hard and playing in more games than ever before. Other than that, I’ve never had any issues physically. Maybe a hamstring strain here or there, but nothing major.
Until that day when I felt a tweak in my back during spring practice. It wasn’t that horrible, so I shrugged it off and kept playing. And then over time, it kept getting worse. Pain would shoot throughout my back. My leg would get a tingling sensation. Bending over would hurt. And, well, you can’t stand up straight in field hockey.
I kept going until I couldn’t go any longer. (Which, in hindsight, was pretty dumb.)
X-rays showed that I had mild scoliosis. Eh, no biggie, a lot of people have that. But yeah, bending over to one side of my body for the past 16 years probably doesn’t help that. An MRI showed that I had two bulging discs which were causing issues with nerves. Luckily no herniated discs or anything worse, but this still wasn’t great.
I didn’t want to make things worse, so I focused on rehab, treatments and physical therapy that spring. While I absolutely hated it, not playing definitely helped.
Leading into my junior year, I stuck with my treatments and slowly tried to get back into shape. I didn’t want to overdo things and be in pain that season. It was so annoying. I’m not here to do planks every day. I just want to play field hockey.
I was able to ease into things by playing one game each weekend while practicing sporadically. Eventually I was able to play in both games every weekend. While I still had pain in my back, it wasn’t horrific. When I was playing, I felt good and I was able to focus on other things to keep my mind off the pain.
But, when I wasn’t on that field, oh man, that wasn’t great.
I was stiff and in pain when I woke up each morning. From a pain standpoint, going to class and sitting through lectures was miserable. Anytime I was sitting, I was in pain.
But I was able to manage it. Things were going pretty well actually with the circumstances I was dealt. After the season, I tried to lay low and give my back the rest it needed while also continuing with rehab and exercises.
When spring practices began, it wasn’t getting any better. And this time, my leg would actually go numb. I could deal with the tingling in my foot. It was like it was falling asleep; it wasn’t that bad. But now, there were times I actually tripped over myself because I couldn’t feel my leg.
I continued with physical therapy but knew something needed to be done if I wanted to play my senior year. And I was playing my senior year. There was no doubt in my mind.
At the end of summer, I received two cortisone shots. Those first seven days afterwards were hell. Things were getting worse.
Oh my God. They messed something up. What if I never play again?
Fortunately, I learned that this is just how it goes. Things get worse. But, then, things got better. Immensely better.
This is awesome!
I could finally sit in class without thinking about my back. I could walk around campus with no back pain.
I didn’t want to rush back. I felt really good, but I was hesitant. Our athletic trainers gave me a great treatment plan with exercises. But, I really just wanted to play field hockey.
I had both voices in my head.
“Come on, you feel good, let’s go!”
“No, don’t overdo it. If you overdo it now, you won’t be able to play late in the year. And things might get worse.”
It was all a learning process. In the past, I would push through things. I didn’t know anything other than going 100 percent. And it was a pretty hard thing to learn how to not go 100 percent. I started learning who I was. What my limits were. There were the times when I’d push too far and I’d beat myself up knowing what I did was dumb because I wouldn’t be able to practice the next day.
Field hockey was always what made me happy. I would get on that field, let all of my worries go and focus on playing. I couldn’t do that anymore. I didn't know how to deal with these new feelings. Normally, I could just play and then I’d be good for the rest of the day. But now, I had to find another way.
A huge role model for me during all of this was my former teammate, Meghan Winesett. In January of 2016, Meg had back surgery. She went through similar rehab and treatment and also benefited from sitting out the first portion of that national championship year; her senior year. She came back strong and was named to the CAA All-Tournament Team and a key figure for us during postseason play. If she could do that, I knew I could overcome my own issues.
To see how she dealt with this while still being so supportive of the team and being on the sideline coaching her teammates has helped me tremendously.
I knew I had to step up as a team leader. I could help during practice. I was seeing things from the sideline that I couldn’t see if I was on the field. I was able to work with teammates in a different way. Even if I couldn’t physically play, I was learning how I could put my energy into helping others.
Don’t get me wrong. This wasn’t easy. By any stretch of the imagination. Watching everyone else play was grueling.
This sucks. I just want to play.
But everyone around me was so supportive and encouraging. My teammates. My coaches. All of my teammates’ parents and families.
Being from The Netherlands, my family isn’t physically here. With technology, they’ve been at every single doctor’s appointment, which is astounding. But being at Delaware for four years already, it’s been the new normal. Talking through the phone or computer to everyone at home is normal.
And honestly, my family is here now too. My teammates. My coaches. Their families. Our support staff. We are all now family.
The games and practices came and went. My rehab continued to progress, and I was feeling good.
And then, in early September, we had a date. The goal was to be back on the playing field at James Madison on October 5. With a best-case scenario, there was a chance I could be back the weekend before that with the CAA opener against Drexel.
I’m ready. Let’s go!
I’ll admit, I was emotional that first true practice back. Everyone else was already out on the field because I was coming from treatment. I had all of my stuff on. All of the freshmen were like… Kiki, she’s going to play?!
And then everyone just started clapping and cheering.
Oh god, here we go.
I did my warmup and soaked it all in. And then I had to let the emotions go and get to work.
And on September 28, it was go-time. I woke up excited. But, I still had classes to go to. And game time wasn’t until 6 p.m.
Come on. I just want to play. Like, right now.
It was weird. I sorta forgot my whole gameday routine. What and when do I eat? How much should I drink throughout the day?
But then it was normal again. Pre-game locker room dances to get hype. My treatment sheet was minimal.
This is awesome. I’m extra hyped.
The walk out to the field brought more emotions as all of the parents kept screaming my name. It was funny to hear the parents only acknowledge me and not the team. But I knew everyone was excited for me. They’ve all been so supportive and encouraging throughout this whole process.
Come on, Kiki, you have to focus.
But I struggled with that.
How do I hide my emotions? I need to play well. This is the first CAA game of the season. It’s important to stay focused.
But when that first whistle blew, it was all field hockey. There was nothing else on my mind except field hockey.
After the game, my body felt awful. Just awful. My back felt good, which was nice for a change, but the rest of me was dead.
And then those emotions came flooding back when we did our post-game jog to the fight song. It was so incredible to be back on the field with my teammates. And to get the big win against our first CAA opponent.
As someone who doesn’t show emotion often, there were definitely tears.
This process has taught me so much. Not being able to do what you love sucks. I think dealing with that adversity and still being strong and finding ways to help the team, it wasn’t easy, but it’s taught me how to be actually tough, it’s forced me to mature and deal with what life will bring my way.
I couldn’t have done this without my family. Here and in The Netherlands.
This is our senior year. This is our last chance. We want to leave a legacy behind. The classes before us have done just that and were incredible examples for us. We have high aspirations and only two months left. We have to leave it all out there. Give everything left in us. We’re doing this for each other.
