An enigma.
A parasitoid.
A member of phylum Plasticae.
Little is known about their life cycle. Their fossil record is puzzlingly sparse. Yet these mysterious creatures, found most commonly on the plastic encasing wheat and wheat by-products, are the subjects of intense scrutiny by a small but dedicated research community.
Life is pain. Anybody that says different is not an occlupanologist.
—incorrectly attributed to Horatio Horg, circa 1873
That research community searches for occlupanids wherever they can be found—in the bread aisle, on bags of plums, in supermarket freezers, atop sacks of rabbit food, attached to analog watch hands, lying discarded near picnic tables in public parks.
Occlupanologists (and enthusiastic amateurs) mail notable specimens to HORG, where they are scrutinized for shape, color, and other features.
In constructing a synthetic taxonomy for the occlupanid (see right), important attributes include the oral groove (the interior curve), marked by 0–5 dential processes ("teeth"). Also of interest are the exterior palps and surface markings.
Efforts to establish a more rigorous phylogeny through genetic testing, dissection, radiographic imaging, fossil investigation, and selective crossbreeding have thus far proved inconclusive.
image courtesy of the Holotypic Occlupanid Research Group.
Well, I think they're just the best thing since sliced bread.
—Gretchen Broetchen, age 4
Let's imagine you've encountered an occlupanid in the wild. You want to identify it, but the phylogeny has so many branches! What to do?
Well, you could count its dential processes or examine the elegant curve of its oral groove, but that can be challenging for the unpracticed eye.
What about something a little more definite? What aspects of occlupanid morphology can we quantify?
A gluten-intolerant occlupanologist? Rye, I never saw such a thing!
—John Lake, who never gets invited to the post-conference happy hour
Morphology of the Occlupadina
The easiest way to narrow down your family, genus, and species options is with a ruler.
Occlupadinae are "dorsoventrally flattened," with a negligible third dimension. They generally range from 2–5 cm on each side, and their "length" (y-dimensional distance when the oral opening is facing downwards) and "width" (x-dimensional distance) can serve as important tools for identification.
For an interactive scatterplot, click on the button below.
To access details and images, hover over individual points. Points that "light up" are in the same phylogenetic family.
You're working with a Perovora orthrus? Damn, all I've got is a Tempotortus torii.
—overheard conversation in main exhibition hall, OccluCon '21
Occlupanid Geography
Where can these elusive creatures be found? Where were they originally discovered? What is their natural range?
Occlupanologists generally don't appreciate when you track down their home addresses for clues to their discoveries, so we did the next best thing: we manually pulled every mention of a geographic location from species descriptions in the HORG database.
These locations may refer to the initial report of a new species or subsequent notable sightings. Please note that these locations represent the findings of occlupanologists who are represented in the database, which doesn't necessarily encompass the geographic and taxonomic diversity of all occlupanidae.
For an interactive map, click on the button below.
To access details and images, click on individual markers. Note that the coordinates of species with the same location descriptor (e.g., "Hong Kong") have been jittered slightly to improve visibility.
Wondering where to invest your life savings? Look no further—we're pretty crustworthy!
—Sam Bakeman-Fried to the Occlupanologists' Professional Conference, 11/05/22
Our investigation so far has been focused on the official records of the preeminent occlupanid organization, the Holotypic Occlupanid Research Group.
Now we turn to a different question: what's going on with occlupanids in the wild? What are occlupanologists observing, recording, and sharing for enormous social media clout?
To answer these questions, we pulled every post from the r/occlupanids subreddit from the past year (as of 11/19/22) with a positive identification of one or more occlupanid species.
The sample size isn't large enough to protect anonymity, so we instead focus on the occlupanids in question: which species and color morphs are showing up in the subreddit, and in what quantities?
For an interactive chart, click on the button below.
Bars correspond to taxonomic families; shades correspond to species. Hover over a shade for more details and a reference image.
What about the color morphs represented in the posts?
This waffle plot is not interactive. Each square corresponds to one occlupanid.
Some have theorized that all plasticae as we know them are relics from previous eras, and our current conceptions of them merely shrink-wrapped attempts at reconstruction. Well, I'm sorry, but those guys are real dummies.
—Dr. Kendall Impanarsi, leading expert in the field
image source: Conway et al. 2013
Occlupanids? In my area?
Finally, we turn to a personal investigation. What occlupanids can I find in my local metro area?
On 11/28/22, I biked out to the nearest supermarket and searched for occlupanids in the sliced bread aisle. I'd like to say it was a random sample, but convenience (what's at eye level when standing or squatting in aisle 7?) and time limitations (how long can I loiter without becoming a Weird Grocery Person?) ruled the day.
Overall, I collected 15 observations, plus one occlupanid that presented itself for sampling on my kitchen counter, for a total of 16.
For an interactive chart, click on the button below.
Bars correspond to taxonomic genera; shades correspond to species. All of these observations fall within family Toxodentidae. Hover over a shade for more details and an image.
Feedback on misclassified occlupanids (I did not have a ruler) is welcomed. Not welcomed enough to include a mailbox on this page, though.
This waffle plot is not interactive. Each square corresponds to one occlupanid.
This concludes today's investigation into the bizarre and wonderful world of occlupanids.
Many thanks to the folk(s) at HORG, to the indefatigable occlupanologists on the subreddit and Discord, and to everyone who tries to make the world a little weirder.
Good night, wheat prince,/ And flights of angels sing thee to rye rest.
—incorrectly attributed to Horatio (not Horg).
Credits:
Created with images by Prostock-studio - "Bread background, top view of white, black and rye loaves" • sommai - "sliced bread isolated on white background" • alexanderuhrin - "Ripe ears of golden wheat close up. Wheat field. Harvest Concept" • GVictoria - "Great Dane and chihuahua dogs" • StreetOnCamara - "In the picture, the male businessmen wear suits, tie, sit in temples, headaches with work and watch the stock market fall, and international research, investment and financial research agreements" • Nazarii - "Meteorite in the night sky. A bright meteor against the background of stars. A beautiful shooting star."