The Relational Conflict Restoration Model empirical evidence for pain-defense and grace-trust patterns in couple reconciliation
The study of marital conflict, in essence a "dance gone bad" has been the primary focus for social science research. These studies find that the way a couple "dances" through conflict is the best predictor of long term-relational success.
Just as there are patterns to dance, couples fight in patterns. Their "movements" are cyclical, making components of relational conflict predictable.
There are two "patterns" or cycles to this model: Pain and Reconciliation cycle.
The Relational Conflict Restorational model (RCRM) seeks to disrupt couples' conflict patterns, and to teach them steps towards a more elegant dance.
A good marriage is like an elegant dance, counselors coach, teach, and guide couples towards sophistication, efficacy and beauty in their dance. Ugly dancing found in the pain-defense-injury cycle can be altered with insight, practice, and instruction.
EMPIRICAL THEORETICAL AND APPLIED ELEMENTS OF RCRM: A 10 STEP DESCRIPTION OF THERAPY
STEP 1: Goal identification/US designation
US is an externalized representation of a couple's values, ideals, purposes and aspirations. The US is the motivation, inspiration and goal for the behaviours.
Restoration or re-creation of a marital US is my targeted goal-even if it is beyond their expressed purpose or intent.
The process of US is drawn from an EFCT concept of attachment.
Examples of conversation starters regarding the imagined or desired US held by both spouses.
- What is your dream of the ideal marriage?
- What are the characteristics of husband and wife within that relationship?
- You once had aspirations for marriage-an image of life together-describe it.
- How does your faith tradition help you define what marriage is?
- What sacrifices have you made in moving from a "me" to an "US"?
- How will "US" be different from the current status of "you and me"?
- What do couples in successful relational patnerships do to make them work?
The goal of US identification is for couples to identify a common purpose in working together to build the marriage, at the onset of therapy they are taught to aspire toward an important, valued and desired marital hope
Step 2: Pain Exhibition
Pain is the first step in understanding the dance of conflict within the marriage.
From contextual therapy, we know that "pain, hurt, vulnerability or threat is the felt experience of perceived or real imbalance in relationship.
Therefore, RCM is introduced by starting with the concept of pain by asking the individuals to explain first minor and then significant painful experiences throughout life.
This is to prompt the married individuals to their pain-defense response. Each person has a plurality of reactions to aversive, uncomfortable, difficult and/or tragic events.
Spouses are encouraged to describe their annoyances towards life but are discouraged from talking about specific acts of injustice that have caused pain in the marriage.
The purpose for this is to establish the natural link between the experience of pain and the manifestation of defenses.
Step 3: Defense Manifestation
Once the plurality of pain circumstances has been identified, the couple is set to ask how each individual responds to his/her pain to reduce, manage, eliminate or deny it.
Relational defense is any effort to mitigate painful or aversive experiences and protect individuals from real and perceived injury from their partner.
Vangelisti and Crumpley (1998) identified 10 responses commonly observed: silence, crying, attacking, defending, sarcasm, inquiry, ignoring, conceding, laughing, and apologising.
Gottman (1994) research identified four patterns evident in highly conflicted relationships that are stable predictors of divorce, that he ominously labeled "the four horsemen of the Apocalypse": stonewalling, criticism, defensiveness, and contempt.
Defenses are efforts to protect from injustice and to detach while simultaneously expressing an intent to build relational intimacy.
Common defense responses.
I am a yeller: When I get frustrated, I scream
I sulk. I just want to collapse on the inside
I go to bed. Sometimes for a long time. I avoid things with a nap!
I go running. I get my tension out by a good long run.
I eat. The more I hurt the more I eat. I don't do it too much. I am not too overweight.
I just cry. I get emotional and get it all out
With the pain and defenses articulated and recorded on the pain cycle, the counselor can validate the reasonable processes exhibited or each person's expression of unreasonable processes.
The purpose of the defense-manifestation is to identify specific behaviours that are manifested in the presence of various painful, uncomfortable, frustrating, or aversive situations and move from individual expression to more interactive engagement with the injury provocation.
Step 4: Injury Provocation
This refers to the thought processes that are employed when a spouse experiences or observes the defensive manifestations of the other.
Leary and Springer (2001) examined relational injury as a construct distinct from other negative emotions such as anxiety, anger, depression, loneliness, and shame.
They found that relational injury is a distinct emotional experience that cannot be reduced to other negative emotions; relational devaluation was a common outcome when a relational partner perceives the other as acting in disregard toward the marriage.
Injury arising from relational conflict emerges out of how an individual assesses or appraises the communication occurring withing the relationship. For example messages that render threat, devaluation or resource extraction.
Spouses usually assume that they are justified in their interpretation of the intention of their spouse's act. Conflict then becomes perpetuated due to an attribution error.
Insight into that mistake is essential in diverting couples from a pattern of perpetual conflict to the restoration cycle.
Step 5: Pain articulation
The first four steps usually function as a data-gathering experience, that can occur either during one session or evolve through multiple sessions; depending on the nature and degree of the couple's conflict and their ability to work together as a team in understanding their conflict process.
The counsellor then sits with the couple and pulls observations about their pain-defense cycle so they can identify their specific dance.
Couples usually articulate a sense of relief as they identify the conflict and recognise that it is not a random process, but one that can be managed and even alter it.
It is at this point that the counselor changes the focus of therapy from identification of the conflict pattern to the formation of a resolution pattern.
Step 6: Grace introduction and expression
Sells, Beckenbach and Patrick (2009) identified grace as a transitional construct that has the potential to serve as a bridge from destructive relational patterns to mature relational enhancing behaviours.
Ortberg (1982) was the one who drew the religious idea of grace into the mental health dialogue by addressing it as the human quality of loving others inspite of their faults.
this idea is talked about in therapy as unconditional acceptance, and in theology as unmerited grace (p. 45)
Pruyser (1976) defined grace as reception of unearned generosity.
For Sells et al. (2009), this "gratitude response" seems to parallel grace as a facilitating factor with potential to counter the pain-defense-injury cycle of conflict.
Yarhouse & Sells (2008) and Sells et al. (2009) define relational grace as any act of kindness, mercy, or goodness that has neither the obligation nor the expectation of reciprocal compensation within the context of marriage.
Grace is often a difficult topic to teach in a counseling setting; those from Christian backgrounds are familiar with its theological meaning while those from other faith traditions frequently understand it in very simplistic form.
Step 7: Justice obligations
In the RCM model, Justice is tied with relational grace as a "detour" experience from the pain-defense-injury cycle. Its use in the model entails that couples engage in dialogue (problem-solving, weighing alternatives and charting a mutual course) to ensure fairness (balanced and mutual agreement) between intimate partners.
Boszormenyi-Nagy (1987) considered justice a fundamental requirement for human survival.
He refers to the "matrix of justice" in which a contract must exist within and between generations, including partnered or married couples.
The principle of justice flows directly from the understanding of grace as discussed above. It is recommended that counselors return to the idea of US as a reason for seeking justice and fairness.
The operant conditioning idea of shaping has been a useful metaphor at this juncture.
The principle of shaping rewards movement in the right or "just" direction. Therefore, spouses should not wait until every aspect of a just response is accomplished; rather, each should be searching for evidence of positive change and providing incentives for continued growth.
Step 8: Empathy expression
All definitions of empathy in psychotherapy all involve trying to sense, perceive, share or conceptualize how another person is experiencing the world (Bohart & Greenberg, 1997, p.419).
Gottman's early research (1994) indicated that teaching constructing positive behaviours that enhance friendship was a more effective path than focusing on communication or empathy.
In relational repair the central goal was to decrease the manifestation of negative affect and behaviour and increase positive affect and behavior (Gottman, 1994).
Empathy is the "I get it" declaration; the expression of understanding of each others pain-defense pattern.
Small believes that empathy encourages the formation of new, more mature defenses.
Step 9: Forgiveness communication
The theoretical and empirical basis for forgiveness as a treatment goal is extensive. Within the RCM model, it is seen as both an internal/individual and relational process.
Forgiveness functions as the conduit to restore relational trust, and then to reinforce the couple's commitment to reinvest grace in the relationship. It becomes the recharging source that allows the US to continue the ongoing confrontation and healing of pain.
Step 10: Trust formation
Trust, like empathy and forgiveness is a construct that acts like a "crossover variable" with a significant presence in sociology, economics, political science, and many other fields. (Dirks & Ferrin, 2002)
Trust research has a profound importance in human existence. It involves two sets of tasks: developing both trustworthiness and a propensity to trust.
The task of marriage is to build "trust in trust", make both trustworthiness and trusting secured endeavours within the marriage.
Research in the RCM process suggests that trust is equivalent to marital satisfaction. According to Patrick et al. (2012), trust is the sine qua non of relational success.
In their structural equation model, trust (along with marital satisfaction) was shown to be the culmination of the RCRM process, rather than a variable which contributed to satisfaction.
Trust was the culmination of the restoration constructs of grace, justice, empathy and forgiveness.
Major Tenets of the Integration approach:
If Christian counselors have the rich theoretical and scientific tradition of psychology to draw upon, why wouldn’t they do so? And if the counselor has access to biblical revelation and the theological wisdom of the centuries, of course the counselor should rely on these resources also
Combines both the Christian faith and science. However, it places the Christian faith above science.
The vital issue is taking a FUNDAMENTAL stance as a Christian in the world of learning and action
We may need to modify and reshape what we learn from psychology in light of our Christian beliefs”
3-legged stool: Psychology, Theology, Spirituality
“I take biblical and theological wisdom to be more authoritative than psychology..”
How does RCRM Align?
“The model is GROUNDED in traditional Christian thought and current family systems theory.”
“Christian theology functions as a conceptual FOUNDATION …family systems theory serves as the method.”
Key constructs used in RCRM have their conceptual origin imbedded in Christian thought and application.
Constructs like grace, justice, compassion, and forgiveness – are themes to be understood through a religious paradigm.
It is an integration between Christian thought and family systems theory.
Particularly: Emotion-focused Couple therapy (EFCT) and Contextual Family Therapy (CFT)
CONTEXTUAL FAMILY THERAPY (CFT)
• Developed by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy
• He elevated the place of justice, fairness, and balance in a relationship – this is what is emphasized in the “Justice” element in RCRM
Also emphasized the I-THOU concept
EMOTION-FOCUSED COUPLE THERAPY (EFCT)
Draws from theory of attachment in adults
Individuals form attachments through internal models of relationships
Variation of safe and trustworthy images or dangerous and uncertain images
When an individual senses a potential harm to the attachment bond, a protective response is created to defend the self.
I – Thou concept was gotten from EFCT and rendered as US in RCRM
EMPIRICAL BASIS FOR RCRM
I. Sells, Girordano, and King (2002) published the first outcome study of the RCM model using 12 married adults during an eight-week marital intervention group and a week-twelve follow-up.
The couples completed measures of marital satisfaction, forgiveness, state-trait anger and a symptom assessment at intake, completion and follow.
The findings indicate that there was a significant change towards marital satisfaction, maturation of forgiveness, and reduction of state anger and mental health symptoms.
II. Bokar, Sells, Giordano and Tollerud (2011) validated the components of the pain cycle: pain, defense, and injury, by measuring pain responses in 215 heterosexual couples using surveys.
Defense was measured by the Defense Style Questionnaire.
Injury was assessed through the Positive and Negative Affect Schedule.
The study indicated that the relationship between pain and defense was significant for both men and women.
Pain was correlated highest with immature defenses, as hypothesized. The relationship between defensiveness and injury to the spouse was mixed, with women's injury not being correlated with men's neurotic defense.
III. McCarthy (2012) examined the component of grace as an intervening variable in the conflict process.
He supported the RCM model by confirming that high levels of grace predicted reduced conflict, pain and defensiveness.
He also found that when conflict escalates and satisfaction wanes, then defense responses escalate and distress ensues; the ability to give and receive grace plummets, and the ability of the couple to successfully resolve conflict is compromised.
IV. Patrick, Beckenbach, Sells and Reardon (2012) conducted a path analysis with 237 subjects measuring the constructs of the RCM model.
They subjects completed measures of the constructs in the RCM. The path model theorized that grace, justice, empathy, trust and forgiveness would lead to relationship satisfaction.
The path analysis was robust and supported the relationships between these variables.
Case Application: Jake a 22-yr old Caucasian in college.
Jake a 22-year-old Caucasian in his junior year of college.
He has a history of drug and alcohol use, feelings of rejection from friends and family including his baby mama
Jake is used to confrontation due to the example set by his parents.
Discharged from the army Jake had painful experiences that can resemble PTSD.
Jake has thoughts of suicide, and sometimes feel that he should have died instead of his friends in the plane crash
Jake is a Christian or at least he tries to be.
Jake met a young lady his freshman year who ‘snitched’ on him reporting that he coaxed her into drinking
She was told to stay away from Jake.
Shortly after she returned to Jake and they continued to date.
To do things the ‘right way’ Jake decided to elope with his college sweetheart.
After six months into the marriage, Jakes wife insisted that they see a counselor because the marriage was too young for the degree of challenges they were experiencing.
Counselling Therapy for Jake: RCM
• Jake and his wife Kate goes to see a Christian counselor who uses the integration approach.
• The counselor’s theoretical framework to conflict resolution in marriage is the Relational Conflict Restoration Model.
STEP 1: Goal Identification/US Designation
- Candy’s first step in counseling the couple is identifying the goal for the sessions.
- She asks Jake and Kate to give reasons why they want their marriage to work.
- In this case, she realizes that because the couple did not take the time to get to know each other they needed to recreate their US.
Jake and Kate were able to identify that their marriage is a commitment not just to the person but to the idea that Marriage is God’s idea. Both their parents had troubled marriages, and they did not want theirs to be like their parents marriages.
Step 2: Pain Exhibition
After establishing the goal, the counselor leads the couple to identify and to understand the pain that each feels to recognize the cycle.
- She then gives Jake and Kate an opportunity to first identify the little then major things that bring them pain.
- Jake starts with his childhood pain then onto his army experiences, losing his first love, not having access to his son, his college experiences of feeling like a failure, etc.
- Kate shares how she grew up with a single mother and siblings after her father divorced her mother. She grew up in church but always felt rejected like she did not fit in, in school.
Step 3: Defense Manifestation
- Jake identifies that his way of dealing with pain is arguing, fighting and confrontation. He turns to alcohol and drugs
- Katie shuts down and cries when she experiences pain, Sometimes runs away. When Kate shuts down, Jake gets more upset because he wants to “talk it out” but it always ends in an argument
- Jakes behaviors when Kate shuts down is turning to alcohol, and the alcohol makes him confrontational again.
Step 4: Injury Provocation
- Jake and Kate injury provocation is a result of the accusations on both part
- When Jake drinks he argues, this causes Kate to become fearful. In response Kate cries and stonewalls him and this makes Jake to feel rejected.
Step 5: Pain-Cycle Articulation
- All along as the conversations develop Candy makes notes because she is immediately able to point out a cycle of behavior
- She then points out how Jake and Kate are hurting each other in a cycle
- She explains that Jake's defense mechanism of arguing causes pain for Kate, who shuts down as her defense mechanism. This comes across as stonewalling that is a sore spot for Jake because he has been stonewalled in his previous relationship with his baby mama.
Step 6: Grace introduction and expression
- Candy then introduces a bridge for the couple to cross over out of the vicious pain cycle into a cycle of healing.
- Candy then reminds the couple of grace by asking Jake and Kat to say what they understand about grace.
Because the couple understands God’s grace to an extent it is fairly easy to explain theoretically, however, Candy’s objective is to help the couple understand the practical implications of grace for their relationship.
Step 7: Justice obligations
- Once grace is understood, Justice is introduced as a detour experience from the pain- defense-injury cycle.
- Candy then engages the couple in dialogue about fairness
Candy mentions God’s grace is not like man’s grace yet if they want to make the US work, then they need to each make up their minds that they will both try to be fair and lean towards resolution rather than the pain cycle for the purpose of the marriage.
- She reminds them that for their marriages to survive and not be another statistic they had to understand that defensiveness is not the answer. They are on the same team; grace and justice now helps to shape their thinking.
- Candy asks each person to identify one way they can respond to the other in a positive reinforcing manner
Step 8: Empathy Expression
- Jake and Kate are then requested to put themselves in the other person’s shoe and try to understand each other’s perspective. Kate explores the pain that Jake had brought into the marriage. Moreover, Jake did the same for Kate.
- It is at this point that they realize they should not be fighting each other but rather fighting for each other to bring healing individually and collectively
Step 9: Forgiveness Communication
- Candy points out to Jake and Kate that a part of the restoration of the relationship is forgiving themselves for their behaviors.
- She pauses and asks the couple to close their eyes and get a picture of people and scenarios they feel they have been holding un-forgiveness. During the moment of silence, Jake and Kate are asked to allow themselves to feel the emotions and decide to let them go.
- Candy then helps Jake and Kate to recognize that their unforgiveness is more towards themselves and their past than towards each other. This issue is handled accordingly.
- Jake and Kate are further engaged in forgiveness by offering a grace gift. It a decision that both parties make to ensure they are preventing further injuries.
- Once Jake and Kate understands the past patterns and how to intercept the cycle they are led to apologize for the actions that mutually harmed their US.
Step 10: Trust Formation
- This is the culmination process of the RCRM. In this segment Candy lead Jake and Kate into identifying ways to developing trustworthiness and a tendency to trust.
- She has them demonstrate it practically by telling Kate to leap so that Jake can catch her. Kate does this without hesitation and Jake catches her.
- This implied that Kate trusted Jake, because she leaped without hesitation.
Laughter filled the room. The couple understood the concept of trust being mutual.
The RCRM is a tool used to address relational conflict and to substitute destructive patterns with cyclic virtues.
Created with images by GLady - "tango dancing couple" • muffinn - "The Dark Passion of the Tango" • zabaraorg - "tango in black" • BarbaraWilli - "Tango - feet" • Sells & Yardhouse, 2012 •