So, why am I in the field of education?
I refrain from using the word “woke” when it comes to describing my stance toward education. It is not my term to claim. As many of us know, America has a history of erasing, appropriating, and weaponizing culture and history-- and I refuse to take part in the same ideology that informed the malpractice of the doctor who told my second-grade-educated mother that speaking our native Filipino dialect would “confuse” her children and cost them academically. So, one might say that my pedagogy is my identity and values in action. It is in my DNA to resist, educate, and liberate.
I begin with a question: can social justice be healing?
You need to know that I grew up fully believing that there was no justice to be found anywhere in the world. At the age of 5, I witnessed the shooting death of my father at the hands of my 13-year-old oldest brother.
I was left alone to deal with this extremely traumatic and horrific tragedy. This, despite the fact that I had 8 brothers and 2 sisters, plus my mother at home. The aftermath of this event in our home was never dealt with. It was too much for all of us and remained an undiscussed secret in my family for decades.
My oldest brother, Junie, was prosecuted as a juvenile and spent 5 years in the detention hall. My mother, Ruby, who overburdened with raising 10 children alone, turned to alcohol, and eventually drank herself to death.
As for me, I grew up scared, suffering from undiagnosed PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. I was also full of incomprehensible sadness, anger, and confusion, over the loss of my abusive, sadistic, alcoholic father. While he was all of those things, at 5 years old, he was still just my father, whom I wanted desperately to love.
So imagine -
Less than a year later, I'm off to kindergarten, carrying all of this with me. We were also dirt poor, and going to school hungry, too.
I look back now some 60 years later, and I wonder what the outcome for me would have looked like if there had been a restorative justice model of community care in my school, my very first year of kindergarten - a model of compassion, empathy, and accountability. Might one of the teachers have noticed there wasn't something quite right about me? Would they have noticed that I was sad, scared, sullen, alone, and - quite frankly - depressed?
In a restorative justice model of repair, one is always encouraged to share, to talk, to connect with others. One is not forced, but they are met where they are at by compassionate caregivers, teachers, circle keepers. I desperately wanted to talk. I wanted to scream, yell, cry. But more than anything, I just wanted to be held and told that everything was going to be alright. I was not held, nor told everything would be okay.
So I grew up, all the way to age 22, feeling like I didn't need or want anyone to ever hold nor get close to me. I would take care of and protect myself at all costs. No, there is no justice in the world. I would now be my own form of justice.
I would take whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. If you were in my way, too bad for you. So my life became a tableau of bad decisions and bad choices, based on my selfish needs. I'm not blaming anyone, either. Ultimately, I made every choice and decision.
I’m solely responsible for my actions, the harms I’ve caused, and I’m singly accountable. The point I want to make is that social justice and its myriad of forms can be and is healing. I know my experience in the restorative justice model is healing because I've found personal growth and healing within the philosophy and practice.
I'm serving a life sentence without the possibility of parole. I murdered a man because I grew up objectifying everyone and everything in my life. Human connections were not important to me and, out of this belief system, there grows a certain depravity of the spirit and soul.
But it has been in restorative justice where I've learned the true impact of the harm I caused, where I was offered compassion and empathy, where I've heard and witnessed others describe the anguish, pain, and suffering over the senseless murders of their loved ones. It's been in restorative justice practice where I’ve had to own up to what I’ve done, take responsibility, and promise to be accountable for my actions going forward.
It's possible that I may die behind the wall, but I now have purpose and meaning in my life. I can't bring back the life I took, but I can commit to nonviolence, help other men who will be released find healing and wholeness, and try to repair the harm by being my best self and giving back even if I have to do it behind prison walls.
I no longer suffer from a depravity of the spirit or soul. Everyone is important, vital, and necessary. I see you now, and I yearn to be in relationship with you, not disconnected from you.
I discovered this in my restorative justice practice, and I know there are thousands of children who enter our schools every single day who yearn to be in relationship with you, too.
Sincerely,
Ron