August ~ 2024
Co-Regulation
What kind of relationships do you want to have? If you prefer for those relationships to be relatively free of tension and stress, for them to involve direct communication, where both parties are being heard, and for the interactions to foster feelings of respect, then you can benefit from learning about and applying Co-regulation — a process and skill that you can hone and gear towards your friends, family members, peers, and co-workers.
You’ve probably heard about or been told to practice mindfulness, deep breathing, and to self-regulate your emotions. But have you ever heard of this term “Co-regulation”? It is just (or maybe even more) important than self-regulation, as it encompasses more than just yourself. Co-regulation is an unconscious process that we can bring conscious attention to, and can manipulate. Co-regulation, in a nutshell, involves our nervous systems feeding off each other, detecting and responding to cues of safety and threat.
Our nervous systems unconsciously respond to each other and there are things that we can do to manipulate our nervous systems on a conscious level so that others’ unconscious responses can be ones that elicit receptivity to whatever it is that we’re trying to communicate. Consider the workplace or classroom — if you’re presenting, trying to sell a product or influence a group of people, but in a frantic, anxious, indecisive manner, people will not readily accept your message and will not be quick to trust you on neither a conscious nor an unconscious level. To effectively co-regulate, at least one party needs to be in a more calm, relaxed state.
So here are a couple ways that you can do to “get” into that state, thus “offering” it to another individual or group:
1. Slow down ~
Slow down (your speech and breathing) and neutralize your tone of voice.
2. Smile ~
Smile - natural or politely forced - even if you don't feel like it.
3. Eye Contact ~
Maintain friendly eye contact as much as possible.
As you manipulate your nervous system as much as possible (within reason) read the room. Are others responding “well”, i.e., reciprocating in terms of verbal and nonverbal communication? Are they engaging? Warm or stand-off-ish demeanor? Take these indicators into consideration as you lean further in or back off.
Circling back to self-regulation: the more you engage in strategies to regulate your own nervous system, the more competent you’ll be in upholding a stance of stability and attractiveness towards others; more and more people in your life will look to you as a person to “feed” off in a healthy way (but be sure to maintain healthy boundaries) and ultimately, ideally, as a source of inspiration for how they can carry and conduct themselves in their daily affairs.