Issue 134 – April 2024
Be clear to keep IT confidential (a ‘before & after’)
Text with high readability is “clear, concise, and easily understandable, making it accessible to a broader audience.” This non-disclosure agreement doesn’t quite hit the mark.
A non-disclosure agreement or NDA is a common contract between contractors and large companies. It’s kind of a prenup covering the relationship, where we writers and other contractors promise not to divulge the secrets to be shared with us.
You can bet the lawyers have this buttoned down to protect the company every which way. But how are they doing at coming up with a contract everyone can understand?
In my recent experience, not well. Exhibit A: An opening sentence that’s 144 words, flagged by the Hemingway Editor’s pinky-red alert as extremely difficult to read:
It's in the company’s best interests to make sure the “Recipient” clearly understands what’s involved in keeping things confidential. Studies show that the best sentence length for that understanding is an average eight to 14 words. At 10 times that desired length, this opening sentence doesn’t do it.
Text with high readability is “clear, concise, and easily understandable, making it accessible to a broader audience.” So says a post on how to use the Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level formula, which determines reading ease. Applying this formula to the 144-word sentence results in a score of minus 89.7 out of 100, “readable” at the mythical grade level 61.5. The Hemingway Editor simply calls this “post-graduate.” That’s the level of “light reading” found in scholarly journals.
The first step in making a block of unreadable text easier to read is to break it up, and that’s where I started. For ease of understanding, I also replaced “Recipient” and “Disclosing Party” with “writer” and “she” and “company.” I also reworded to avoid repetition (“Confidential” is mentioned five times in the original text). “Shall” is needlessly formal (and beloved by lawyers), but “will” is typically used interchangeably and is more direct. And I took out “directors, officers, employees, consultants or advisors” because I work alone; “colleagues” covers anyone I might be working with.
Here's my after:
The rewrite cuts the words in half, with just 74 words in five sentences, an average of 14.8 words. It gets a Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level of 10.4 and reading ease of 45.9 out of 100. The sentences about "consent" and “due diligence” are still complicated but less so, I think.
Of course, lawyers use so many words to cover every possible situation. However, they might agree to include a statement that this is a simplified version, with a link to the full legal contract.
Have you seen a “before” piece of writing that begs for an “after”? Please share. I’m always looking for good (bad) examples.
Responses to the February issue about metaphors:
“I've just started reading Fire Weather by John Vaillant…about the Fort McMurray fire in 2016…Fabulous, fabulous writer – a brilliant, gripping analogy on just about every page. Here's just one, that hit very close to home to me (there are countless others): "One way to visualize a tank of gas is to imagine a mass of ancient plant matter weighing as much as fifteen blue whales crammed into a tank next to your spare tire, just behind your child's car seat." I can't recommend this book enough!!!” – Anne
“Good points. I would add ‘use visuals.’ Graphs and graphics can be great.” - Barb
“I'm a huge fan of these sorts of comparisons. For some reason, African elephants (when talking about weight) and Olympic-size swimming pools (when talking about liquid volume), always seem to be used! Maybe volume should be ‘Starbucks cups of coffee.’" – Michael
Related reading:
How to use the Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level formula
The top three readability formulas and how to use them
More in the Red Jacket Diaries:
Assignment: Find the secrets to a happy retirement
More tips for diversity and inclusion in links you might have missed
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