Denmark – trolls, witches and high end design ...

A country the size of a suburb ...

One must begin, of course, with the Viking heritage. This is the genetic seed of the nation, the primordial soup from which the modern Dane inexplicably sprung. They were, in their day, the terrifying, axe-wielding, sea-faring psychopaths who invented the concept of 'smash and grab' on a continental scale, utterly dominating the known world with their superior longships and hygiene. And what did the modern Dane do with this legacy of blood, thunder, and conquest? They translated it, with a bewildering lack of irony, into High-End Design. Their descendants now spend their time meticulously crafting wooden chairs that are simultaneously beautiful, structurally sound, and almost entirely incapable of accommodating a person who has recently eaten a hearty meal. It's the ultimate evolutionary non sequitur: the urge to pillage replaced by the urge to polish. The Danish social contract is, frankly, a phenomenon that requires a complete re-evaluation of the laws of human physics. Here, citizens have agreed to pay taxes so high they could theoretically fund an entirely new continent, but in return, they receive a guarantee that nobody, absolutely nobody, will be left to freeze awkwardly in the gutter. Hospitals and Education: Both are essentially free. Yes, free. Which means they have somehow managed to decouple the provision of life-saving surgery and critical thinking skills from the necessity of crippling personal debt—an astounding feat of administrative magic that simply doesn't compute in most parts of the world. The World's Best Education: They have a baffling dedication to it. Not in the sense of 'cramming for the exams,' but in fostering a breed of highly competent, well-adjusted individuals who are taught to challenge the established narrative from a young age—a dangerous habit that, curiously, has resulted in a stable democracy rather than anarchy. Work-Life Balance: This is achieved by working a sensible, human number of hours (37 a week, give or take the occasional nap) and then, and here's the crucial part, leaving. Entire offices become eerie, echoing tombs by 5 PM, thus proving that efficiency is directly proportional to how little time one spends staring blankly at a spreadsheet, contemplating the meaninglessness of existence. Elder Care and Unemployment: The system ensures that if you are old, someone will look after you, and if you are unemployed, you will not instantly starve. This revolutionary idea, known as "The Safety Net," is predicated on the dangerous assumption that people are, fundamentally, worth caring for. The core Danish attitude is perhaps their most perplexing trait. They are, on the whole, Atheists. They don't believe in God, the devil, or even the urgent necessity of wearing clothes when a decent patch of beach is available.

The national religion, one suspects, is a form of highly sophisticated, self-deprecating irony. They make fun of themselves and each other constantly, in a ritual known as janteloven (which is basically a social algorithm designed to prevent anyone from feeling too special), yet manage to remain, statistically, some of the happiest people on Earth. This suggests that the secret to true happiness is simply to tell extremely dry jokes about your own existence. The Carefree Public Drinking and Nudity is just a logical extension of this mindset. Once you've established that the world is largely indifferent to your struggles and that you are probably going to have a decent hospital and pension fund regardless, why not take off your clothes and enjoy a beer in a public park? It’s a very sound, if slightly alarming, deduction. Finally, we come to the great empty space that defines Denmark: its landscape. It is a country almost entirely devoid of dramatic geological features. There are no mountains, no active volcanos, no vast, surging rivers—just low-lying, gently rolling plains that go on for quite a while, frequently interrupted by a disconcerting amount of coastline. The highest point is a hill called Møllehøj, which stands at a modest 171 meters. In many other countries, this would be considered a slight incline or perhaps a decent-sized historical mound, but in Denmark, it is a peak. The Danes have therefore proven that if you wait long enough for the glaciers to finish their work, and then carefully cultivate your society, you can achieve world-leading happiness simply by lowering your geographical expectations. And that, in essence, is Denmark: a nation of highly evolved, furniture-designing, irony-loving, former pirate-descendants who have somehow managed to create a perfect, flat, well-funded utopia, mostly by avoiding the mistake of taking anything—especially themselves—too seriously.

Claims to fame …

People

• Leif den Lykkelige – The first European to settle in the Americas, some 500 years before Christoffer Columbus
• Hans Christian Andersen – Fairy tale writer
• Søren Kierkegaard – Philosopher, founder of Existentialism
• Karen Blixen – Writer (Out of Africa)
• Arne Jacobsen – Architect, Designer
• Jørn Utzon – Architect (Sydney Opera House)
• Henning Larsen – Architect
• Bjarke Ingels – Architect (BIG – Bjarke Ingels Group)
• Holger Bech Nielsen – Physicist
• Niels Bohr – Physicist
• Lars Von Trier – Film director
• Susanne Bier – Writer, Film director
• Viggo Mortensen – Actor (Lord of the Rings)
• Bjørn Lomborg – Controversial environmentalist
• Mads Mikkelsen – Actor (James Bond: Casino Royal)
• Prince Hamlet – Nope! Not real...

Sports

• Female National Handball Team – in the late 1990’s World Champions, European Champions and Olympic Games winners simultaneously
• Tom Kristensen – nine times Le Mans winner
• Mikkel Hansen – Worlds best handball player
• Caroline Wozniacki – Tennis player

Musicians

• NHØP (Niels-Henning Ørsted Pedersen) – Jazz musician
• Aqua – Pop group (Barbie Girl)
• Lars Ulrich – Metallica drummer
• D-A-D (Disneyland After Dark) – Rock Group
• Bent Fabricius-Bjerre – Composer
• Lukas Graham – Pop musician
• MØ – Pop musician

Brands

• Maersk – the worlds largest shipping company
• Carlsberg – the worlds largest brewery
• Lego – the worlds most creative toy
• Bang & Olufsen – the worlds most overrated and overpriced hi-fi producer
• Novo Nordisk – producer of insulin to diabetes patients all over the world
• Noma – the world's best restaurant (6 times)
• Pandora Jewellery – concept jewellery
• Georg Jensen – heavily overpriced kitchenware and jewellery
• Vestas – Windmill producer
• Oticon – World leading hearing aid
• DanDryer – The blowdryer for your hands at almost every public restroom in the world