June ~ 2024
How to Get Through a Breakup
“Breakups” are hard, to state the obvious. Each side — being broken up with or initiating the break — presents their own set of unique challenges, while each possess some crossovers, as well (a sense of hurt, an array of negative emotions including but not limited to shame, guilt, fear, sadness and anger). While these challenges are subjective and will be nuanced, based off your attachment style, temperament, personality traits, and attitude, there are some common themes worth mentioning.
In terms of being broken up with, there’s a sense of losing control. This sense can also be experienced by the one doing the breaking up, i.e. not being able to control the recipients response, but there’s arguably much less control involved with the one who’s being “dumped” which is a term I don’t like, by the way. Think about it — when you literally “dump” anything, what happens? The “thing" falls to the ground and often remains stagnant. Have you ever been “dumped” in the breaking-up sense? Probably — most of us have. Now, did you feel like you were falling down? Did you give (consciously or unconsciously — mostly this will happen as applied to the latter) the other person power over you? To “make” you feel devastated, enraged, lost, stuck?
If any of this applies to you, how would you like to feel instead? Would you prefer to feel as if you’re crumbling, disintegrating into the ground, or would you like to feel as though you’re moving forward, moving through distress, pain and discomfort? I hope you choose the latter, as it is a much more empowering and strengths-oriented response.
It can be challenging to truly feel empowered and strong when you’re being “dumped” or “broken up” with. We need to continue to validate that — allow ourselves to slow down and lean into the space of acknowledging that there’s pain and hurt present. Grieving is necessary for healing, and everyone has their own process with this — there’s no “right” timeline, and patience is vital to apply towards oneself and others, regardless of perceived circumstances. However, I believe that there are practical steps that we can all take, now, to ensure that, if (and there probably will be, especially if you’re young and single) there’s another “breakup”, you will be a lot less negatively affected.
Perhaps a good starting point, too, is to change the language — as opposed to calling it “dumping” or “breaking up” how about “parting ways” or “moving in a different direction”? Think for a moment about the term “breaking up” … did someone have the power to break you? Did you break someone else? The answer is no, but you may have believed that you had that power at the time, and beliefs are incredibly influential; furthermore, they are a main contributor towards shaping our view of life and all its inhabitants.
But what if I’m not in a relationship? This doesn’t apply to me, you may be thinking. Parting ways with people (whether we’re romantically involved with them or not) is a part of all of our lives. While, for most, parting from romantic partners, as opposed to friends, family members etc., hits the hardest, any time that you leave someone or are being left, whatever the reasons and circumstances entail, it’s challenging for the simple reason that it threatens our sense of security and belonging. We are social creatures who need connection and love to survive. Earlier, I mentioned how our attachment styles influence our responses towards ending relationships. Attachment styles are mostly formed in our early childhood years (0 — age 4) and have to do with whether our needs (physical, emotional, psychological) were met (and if so, how consistently) or not. (If you’d like to learn more about attachment styles, see the link at the end of this post).
Now, back to the recommended steps:
1. Slow down ~
To slow down your mind, slow down your body, and vice versa. How? One simple way is through the breath. There are an abundance of breathing and relaxation techniques — no one-size-fits-all (see link below for specifics).
2. Accept ~
This moment, as it is happening. Resisting what is already happening makes no sense, but we all end up doing it. How to notice if you’re resisting? Scan your body and look for areas of tension, contraction, or some other sensation that you may be subtly perceiving and naming as “bad”. When we accept what is, we instill and build internal peace, contentment, and a notion that everything was, is and will be ok, regardless of the external events that have impacted us throughout our lifetimes. We will always have choices, including how we respond to events; our responses shape our experiences.
Try writing out a “future experience” that you’d ideally like to have when parting with someone. Make it as painful as you feel that you can tolerate — if you don’t know, that’s ok; you can always consult your therapist, trusted friend, etc. But do know that pain throughout all of our lives is inevitable, and we choose suffering when we avoid or run from pain.
3. Assert ~
Be as truthful to yourself and other as you can, and express that truth even when it feels hard. Lying is often a form of avoidance, which is often accompanied by a host of negative emotions, including but not limited to shame, guilt, anxiety, as well as contracting sensations as opposed to those that are slower and more relaxed. To put this into the context of parting ways — have you ever delayed parting with someone out of fear of hurting that person? While it’s a form of lying, there’s positive intent underneath. But, unfortunately, that intent is often unnoticed, overshadowed by the plague of dis-ease aforementioned. And if the lying in this context resonates, know that you’re not alone and it means that you care. But staying in a relationship that you don’t want to be in wouldn’t be authentic or true to you. Assertion requires us to examine our values and consider how we want those values expressed into our interactions.
So, you have choices; it starts with bringing awareness to what those may be, and how you’d then like to act. Do you see how you can apply those steps, regardless of your relationship status? Try them out, everyday, for the next month, and evaluate any changes that you notice between then and now.