Stressful and fun, that’s what dating is like here in BYU–Hawaii, according to four BYUH students and a young single adult ward bishop.
Fluckiger, a freshman from Utah majoring in psychology, said dating has changed a lot for him especially after coming home from his mission. Before going on a mission, he said the only dating he would do was high school dances. “It’s the only date I’d do because I don’t really like dating,” he explained. Although he didn’t enjoy dating, he said he saw high school dances as a fun, casual way to hang out in a group setting.
“The best way for me to think about dating is by making friends and meeting new people along the way,” Fluckiger said. For him, he said dating is now a more formal way of meeting new people. Fluckiger admitted he wasn’t keen on dating before because he felt it was too much effort. “I still think it is a lot of work, but I’m more willing to do it now,” he explained. He said asking someone on a date is nerve-wracking and during dates, he finds himself anxious and stressed because he is worried about what the people he is on a date with would think of him. “You want to be someone they would like,” Fluckiger said.
Alipate Latu, a bishop of the YSA Laie 11th Ward, said one of the main struggles students face at BYUH is feeling uneasy about approaching others. “Because you might get denied, and it would affect your self-esteem,” Latu said. He counseled the students to go on plenty of dates so they would be able to know exactly who they want to be in the long term.
Serving a mission helped Fluckiger realize that dating is something he should do now. “I need to be in a position when, if a girl comes along, [she] could be my wife. And I would be ready to be married, whether it’s now or in 10 years,” said Fluckiger. He explained dating is a way for him to prepare when that time comes. Fluckiger said it is still stressful but worth the time as it will pay off later.
Flores said there is a huge difference between dating in the Philippines and BYUH. “In the Philippines, when we say dating, it is a huge thing,” she said. Flores said Filipinos don’t do multiple dates unlike in the USA where people can go on various dates and not be frowned upon. “In the Philippines, if you are getting to know someone, you should be exclusive,” she added.
“In Utah, dating is more of a ‘should’. People go on a date just to date,” Fluckiger said. Comparing the mainland dating culture with the island culture, he said people here feel less obligated to date. “People from the mainland here [at BYUH] focus more on having fun as they treat it like a vacation. But people here on a long term, I think they date more intentionally,” Fluckiger explained.
When it comes to expectations, Fluckiger said that it is to get to know people and himself. When he first got here at BYUH, Fluckiger said he would look for people he connects really well with and admirable attributes.“By just being curious in a way that I’ll figure out what things other people do that uplifts me or bring me joy,” he added. After being single again, Fluckiger said that his mom counseled him to go on dates when he’s ready and be curious to help him figure out what helps him feel his best self.
“My very own expectation of dating is I really want the guy to initiate the communication, make the first move and effort,” Flores shared. She said it has been influenced by the Philippines’ culture, where men have to win women over no matter what. But Flores said living in Hawaii for the past two years made her realize that it isn’t the case anymore. She said it was shocking for her to see that women can ask men out. “If you want to put effort, then you put your effort, regardless of gender,” Flores said.
Growing up, Jensen said she always assumed she would date people from Utah only. “But when I came here, and there’s so many students from so many different countries, my expectations changed a little,” said Jensen. When she started dating Maunana, she said the world became so big. “There’s just so many people from all different types of places and families,” Jensen added.
“I don’t really see the other person but [also] myself. And [I] expect the other [person] to be happy too,” Maunana said regarding his dating expectations of BYUH. He continued dating should be fun with no struggle and being happy all the time. But he learned that is not the case all the time, and “that it is hard,” he said. “I learned the other side too,” Maunana said, which are disagreements and arguments in relationships.
The couple, Jensen and Maunana share communication and understanding the context are some of the struggles of their relationship, especially during their first months. “There are different ideas in our heads of what’s normal. Then, when the other person does something we don’t understand, we get frustrated,” Jensen said.
Jensen shared the future scared her and that is why she wants to go as slow as possible, which is the opposite of Maunana’s goal in dating Jensen. “It’s hard if you both like each other,” Jensen said. She explained she didn’t want Maunana to think she didn’t like him. “I am just scared to date,” Jensen added. She explained dating could only go in two ways, either break up or get married. “Breakups are scary and I think marriage is going to be new and different for me,” Jensen said.
“If you really like someone, you have to do your best to show that love,” Maunana shared. Jensen added they always think about how the other person might be feeling, saying sorry right away rather than being right and forgiving them first.
Fluckiger noticed people here are not pressured to date that much and the lack of pressure does not push them to go on dates. “Pressure’s good because it helps you to do something you’re afraid to do,” Fluckiger said. He even compared asking someone out to giving a talk at sacrament, he said, it gets better every single time. “The more you overcome a fear, it gets a lot easier,” he explained. Fluckiger emphasized small things can eventually turn into something big. “It’s like catching fire, little by little, people here are going to go on more dates in a matter of time,” Fluckiger added.
Jensen emphasized that expectations exist for a reason, and it is not always bad. “Sometimes, you are in a good situation, and you won’t be able to tell because you’re so focused on your expectations,” she said. Realizing what is important, knowing the person you are dating for who they are and not who you want them to be should be the focus, she added. “You don’t have to be upset if they do not match something that you made up in your head,” Jensen said.
Latu said it is a good thing to have expectations as having the same qualities and goals with the person you are dating. Having similarities in goals and qualities with his wife helped him grow by not doing the same things he used to grow up with, like spanking their children, Latu added. He learned how to say sorry first as well, he said. “It was hard because I am never the person to say sorry first, growing up,” Latu admitted.
Flores said finding prospects here in BYUH is difficult because some people are just dating too casually. “Although we are in school… not everyone has the same intention,” she said.
Being here at BYUH has allowed her to have many opportunities to meet a lot of people than when she was in the Philippines, she said.
“I still get anxiety doing the first move although it’s pretty normal here,” Flores said. She said she is still in the process of gaining more self-confidence and blocking out the “what ifs”.
She said the gospel changed her perspective on dating. She said it connected it to the principle of faith and emphasized the greatest blessing of it, which is marriage. She said marriage is not freely given to anyone if not acted upon. “God wants us to make an effort as well and He’ll magnify our efforts,” Flores explained.
“[People] are going to be stuck and not be able to date someone, if they only focus on [finding] someone who should meet all their expectations,” Latu emphasized. He said students should approach dating by following what the Church leaders say. “Following the Church culture will help you find more happiness in life,” he added. He said following personal culture has complications, especially if you are dating someone not from your culture.