Monday morning in Toronto. The weekend is over and the 6am alarm was set, again. Not because I’d moved to Toronto and had to get to work, but because I had to get a train and experience the centrepiece of this whole holiday.
The picture at the top gives it away, of course. Plus basically everyone who reads this knows me personally anyway, and knows that I went to Niagara Falls. To get there I had to be at Union Station in plenty of time for the train, ‘cos for these moderately long distance things you have to check in like it’s a flight. Also I was full of hangover and excitement. Niagara Falls!
Union Station is a hell of a building, and look! Blue sky! Like, proper pristine gorgeous blue sky. Temperature up just a touch from the previous two days, wind pretty much gone. But of course this was Toronto. The falls are all the way across Lake Ontario, who knows what it’ll be like there.
Wandered through the station and headed to the waiting area near platform 20. Dunno why I was so delighted, but I was delighted to see a big sign showing all the stops. Ontario is full of British place names, but this train heads across the border into the US and through so many excellent New York state places. Fuck yeah "oodicker" (Utica), double fuck yeah Schenectady.
I was way too early. Grabbed a cheese straw(!) from Tim Horton's - my first Tim Horton's purchase in Canada, on day 4! - and loitered around near the sign. With about 40 minutes to go until departure, someone set up the tensa barriers and yelled ANYONE GOING TO NIAGARA FALLS, FOLLOW ME. He had a set of scales on wheels to weigh people's luggage, and the two folk in front of me lugged their 50kg(!!!!) suitcases to the front of the queue only to be told to sit back down again, 'cos they were going stateside.
Those of us staying in Canada queued up for the next 20 minutes until being allowed on the platform, and told exactly which carriage to get on.
I was so tickled to discover that, contrary to my expectations, this train was not a VIA Rail service, but actually Amtrak. It was in fact a codeshare! My ticket was for VIA 97, but it was operated by Amtrak 64 - a hoofing great silver American train, looking exactly like the stereotype of an American train you might conjure up in your mind.
It wasn’t particularly busy. I’d banked on this, and was proved correct. Obviously I could’ve gone to Niagara over the weekend, not stayed in Toronto so many nights, saved money, etc - but - I figured Niagara would be utterly rammed on the weekend as locals head down there. Plus, in retrospect, the weather had been terrible whereas today, for the entirety of the two hour journey, I still saw zero clouds. It felt like I had done this very right.
No wifi on the train - “it’s an American train, it’s American wifi. It don’t get turned on until we cross the border” said the guard to someone else who asked. Nonetheless, I spent the whole journey on my iPad, writing up my experiences from the days prior. The seating was comfy and spacious, the seat back table huge, honestly I would love to spend more time on a big-ass Amtrak train through somewhere more scenic than Grimsby and Aldershot (Ontario).
Eventually we reach Niagara Falls. We stop just outside the station first - it’s announced that this would happen - so that “engineers can do their thing”. Maybe there’s a gauge change? Silky or Lester would know. Anyway. A few minutes after that we creak into Niagara Falls ON and I’m off. There are a load of cabs outside the tiny station, most of which get a fare, but me being me I set off on foot. Hell, I’m not even heading to the waterfalls just yet - about a 5 minute walk from the station, past the bridge which goes into the USA, there’s a white water rapids attraction. And, crucially, a loo.
I bought a ticket, then headed to the car park where the loo was, then bought a diet coke, then finally was escorted in the lift down to the bottom and the opening to this big tunnel. It’s quite disconcerting and claustrophobic, especially with no-one else around. Fingers crossed what was at the end would be worthwhile.
Aha! Yes, yes it is. To my right, that bridge to the states; in front of me, some of the loudest water I’ve ever heard in my life. These are yer top category rapids, demonstrating some serious, perilous power and on the way towards deafening. Proper, legitimate water, this.
The whole attraction is one long boardwalk next to the rapids, punctuated with various information panels about the geology, geography, ecology, ornithology, loads of -ologies and -ographies, plus a couple of platforms to just stand at, in awe. You get pretty damn close (albeit the platforms which get closest were all fenced off, and drenched; likely these facts were connected…). It’s SO brilliantly loud and impressive.
Spent about, I dunno, half hour or so just generally loving the water and ambience, then decided to walk into Niagara Falls town. According to the sign outside it’s 4km, so probably about 45 minutes. According to another sign, the pavement on the side overlooking the river is “closed for the season” and you have to walk on the other side, along just the one long road full of closed B&Bs. But before any of that, back near the station, there was a tourist information office.
Oh. Well, I guess I won’t be popping in there.
The walk was, indeed, pretty uninspiring. The road wasn’t busy and the weather was lovely, but every single murder motel and B&B was closed, and from the look of them it was impossible to check if the closure was seasonal or permanent. Kinda like half derelict. Really pretty bleak.
Eventually, the river bent in such a way that, through a gap between some buildings or maybe under a a bridge or something, I can’t quite recall the framing - but - there was a waterfall. A big, fuck off, holy shit waterfall. Blimey. It looked incredible even from this distance and my mood instantly lifted. Not that it had been bad anyway, but this really was so exciting.
Oh, I can remember because I took a photo. Here.
Here’s what it looked like when I got beyond the bridge (which, it turned out, was a road and pedestrian bridge to the USA. I toyed with the idea of walking across the border, but, nah)
If that had been it I would’ve been happy. Just like when I was lucky enough to visit the Grand Canyon over 15 years ago, I found the sight mesmerising to the point where each slight angle change caused me to take a new photo. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a man made sight - witness my numerous pics of the CN Tower or Toronto skyline in general on this trip - but when nature says “Yo, humans, hold my beer” I absolutely fucking love it. And here I was, on a cloudless and still day, facing some massive nature. Brilliant. I was beaming, I could tell.
To my right was Niagara Falls, the town. Frankly the less said about it the better. At one point I had considered staying here for a night but now, beyond the B&Bs and into the bit where all the decent hotels are, I knew I’d made the right decision not to. The town is ugly, and the hotels all boast WAY too much about being casinos.
But it was easy to ignore what was on my right, because there was that big fuck off waterfall - and businesses. Like, a zip wire down to the waterside. Nah, don’t think so. The Hornblower boat rides were there, I took a mental bookmark for later but carried on. The pavement widened and just became a viewing platform for, err, oh right. That first waterfall, the one I’d been so impressed by, … yeah, no. Not the central attraction. ‘cos up ahead, as the road slowly descends, is horseshoe falls - THE main falls here. And holy oh my what the good christ LOOK AT THAT.
Fucking hell! I mean - look - honestly - I’m getting goosebumps as I type this, and I’m typing it almost 2 weeks since I was actually there. I can vividly remember that, as I kept walking towards it, horseshoe falls made me emotional. How on earth does a big waterfall make me emotional? No idea, but I don’t care and I’m not ashamed to say it. Niagara Falls is honestly one of the - if not the outright - most jaw-dropping, gobsmacking, genuinely awesome things I’ve ever seen. It’s beautiful and I loved it.
This is the “unimpressive” first falls again.
The spray is basically a cloud forming instantly, purely because of the force of the water hitting the bottom. As the pavement got low enough - but still above the top - you are walking in a cloud, permanently. And it’s so loud.
The boats go very far towards the bottom of the falls. From the top you get a good view of a load of people wearing waterproof ponchos.
One-fifth of the whole world’s freshwater goes through here. Yes, 20% of the WORLD’S water.
I was loving everything about this. I took so many pics and videos. It was busy-ish, I guess, but really not very. I’d timed it right and just so happy. As you reach the falls there’s a visitor centre, food court, and an attraction called “Journey behind the falls” (I think?). This is not too dissimilar an affair to the white water rapids up the way: pay your money, go down a lift, put on a poncho and go stand near a lot of very loud, very fast moving water.
Down I went! A little worried, since my bag had iPad and USB bricks in but the ponchos were enormous, easily big enough to cover my clothes and bag. No damage, but what an experience. When you’re down there, you are literally at the bottom of the waterfall. There are two tunnels directly behind the water, and one outdoor viewing platform right next to where the water is hitting the bottom. It’s incredibly loud, powerful, and all the rest of the superlatives.
Back up to the surface, thoroughly exhilirated, I bought a diet coke and wandered back towards town. Slowly. Kept stopping to look at and photograph the falls, but eventually I decided I really did need to stop, sit down, and get something to eat. I knew about a brewery on Clifton Hill, and I knew that Clifton Hill was meant to be a road with some interesting stuff on it.
What I genuinely legit didn’t know before I got there was that, away from the magnificence of nature, central Niagara Falls is basically a mix of Blackpool, Vegas, and Calais. I mean like what the fuck. Yes, there was a brewery on Clifton Hill, but mostly it was fast food outlets and rides and arcades. Sometimes combined! Who doesn’t want a Burger King with a rollercoaster on top and Frankenstein’s monster having a whopper?
Jesus wept. By now I was basically laughing. All the awesomeness of nature had been replaced by an entirely different kind of manmade awesomeness. My jaw was probably on the floor just as much as it had been when confronted by water. Up Clifton Hill I went, and back down. Sign down an alleyway to “the upside down house”? Oh go on then, why the fuck not.
Really needed to settle myself down now, this was all too much. The brewery looked like the only place that I might be able to cope with so in I went. I’ve been in enough brewpubs over the last few days but, whoa, this one really did stink of yeast. Oof. Mercifully there were seats outside and the weather was still holding up. I’ll have a beer please and, hmm, I can’t decide between the two pretzels on the menu and it says right there “why not have both?”, so I’ll have both thanks.
Y’know what, this was all gorgeous. The beer was nice. The guy serving me was really friendly. Despite it being 2.30pm or so on a non-holiday Monday, live music was just starting up (and he was pretty decent). I was in a super happy place.
Not, however, so happy that I wanted to stay there for another 3 hours. My train back to Toronto wasn’t for that long, because trains really aren’t that popular around here. I spent a while thinking I would head to a brewery up in Niagara-on-the-lake, a town I mistakenly thought was like a 10 minute drive away but was in actuality 45 minutes or so. If I went there I’d only have about 60-90 minutes and it wasn’t cheap… but, sod it. In for a penny.
Tried in vain to get an uber from up near the duty free off-licence. I did say this town had a hint of Calais about it, and by that I meant that it was clearly an “over the border for cheap booze” place for New York state residents. The huge off licence right by the bridge over the border had signs up saying SALES ONLY TO CARS RETURNING TO THE USA. Ha. Combined with the Canadian legality of gambling, you can see why the town is like it is. The falls are a bit of a sideshow to some folk.
Anyway. A cab never game so I gave up. Maps told me there were a couple of half decent sounding bars between here and the station, and if they didn’t appeal I would just get the megabus back a couple of hours earlier than the train.
Walked through town rather than along the river and, oh blimey. Niagara Falls, away from the tourist bits, is just a standard fairly run down North American town. Not a great deal of fun to walk through, except when I made myself laugh WAY too hard …
REEL 2 REAL ESTATE. See? Hahahahahahaha. Still laughing to myself now, like a prick.
Anyway.
Further on, between the horrors of Clifton Hill and the desolate area by the train station was the main high street. Loads of signs around saying how it was a historic downtown and … it was bleak. EVERYTHING was shut, except one bar which absolutely 100% did not appeal to me as a foreign tourist. The whole place was depressing and deserted and borderline creepy. Did. Not. Like.
Got to the bus station 5 minutes before the Megabus to Toronto was leaving. I’d checked this out and it had been $15 so I walked up to the counter, asked how much for a ticket, and told it was now 60 bucks. Aww man. C’mon. But that’s the walk-up fare. Well, shit. I had two hours to kill and asked the guy “Where can I kill 2 hours around here?”. He directed me back to the bleak and entirely closed town centre. I knew better but said nothing.
Lost for ideas I wandered back towards the white water rapids bit, discovering on Google Maps that another 5 minutes on was some other touristy - and, crucially, open - thing. Turns out it was like a truck stop craft store and woohoo, an open food hall! It really did feel like I was at a very naff motorway service station BUT for one exception.
There was a big wooden moose! Called BIG WOOD MOOSE! In fact, the largest wooden carved moose IN THE WHOLE GODDAMN WORLD. How about that then?
Hilariously, I don’t seem to have a photo of the moose itself. Only the sign. Good effort, Foreman. Anyway, the food court, surprisingly, sold local craft beer on draft. So I had a local draft craft beer and waited for time to tick away until it felt reasonable to head back to the station.
Live tracking worked on the train, which had started about 10 hours ago in NYC, and it was coming in on time. I wandered back with about an hour to spare, expecting some shenanigans based on it being the first stop in Canada. The waiting room wasn’t very busy when I arrived but ended up very crowded, especially as the train ended up being delayed - by Customs, supposedly - for 40 minutes. It was right there on the platform but we were forbidden from boarding.
Eventually onboard, I sank into the comfy window seat on the right hand side and enjoyed the still cloudless views, across the water. Toronto was actually visible at times, albeit it not in this pic.
I went to the buffet car and bought a shit cooking lager, a flapjack and some doritos. “Dinner of champions!”, said the man serving me. Hell yeah.
As we hugged the north side of lake Ontario in the latter part of the journey, an enormous bright moon was rising. Another mesmerising bit of nature, I decided - despite being bloody knackered - to head down to the waterfront during the dying of the light. Very, very glad I did.
Oh it was just so lovely. Vivid dark blue sky with the moon behind just a few wispy clouds, the first I’d seen all day. Having familiarised myself with the waterfront the previous day I knew exactly where to walk to get decent views, both over the water and back towards the tower.
Even the big fugly-up-close skyscrapers looked kinda great.
OK, maybe not.
Anyway, time to head somewhere to eat and maybe drink. Wandered back along the main drag towards Great Lakes Brewing but up a road towards the hotel and, ah fuck it, despite my previously stated familiarity I got hopelessly lost. Ended up walking a big lap around a building site and back to the water, adding a good 20 or so minutes to what should’ve been a 10 minute walk. Idiot.
Got back to the hotel and … I have no idea what I did next. See I’d stopped taking notes a couple of days ago. Ah, hang on, I just looked at my phone and now I remember. BEFORE I got to the hotel I’d walked through the city centre, following the sounds of crowds as I found Maple Leaf Square. Tonight was day 2 of the Stanley Cup playoffs and as with Saturday, the game was being shown on a big screen right in the city centre. The Leafs were winning at the time, and back at the hotel I bought a beer from reception and watched the second half. Stayed awake this time, still a temporary Leafs fan, and they won!
6am alarm set for the next day. I’m such a fool.