Dear Mrs. Bennet:
I write to you today to discuss some issues that my daughters are having in the marriage and courtship realm. I have three daughters: a 15 year old, a 17 year old and a 20 year old. They are all reaching that point where they need to start focusing on their future, which includes them settling down and getting married, but they all appear disinterested. My oldest is having the hardest time. She is coming out this year and has been attending balls for months, but she refuses to dance with any of the boys. She is utterly terrified that none of them will want her or like her. Even though I try to build her confidence, she does not receive it. Is there a way for me to build her confidence so that she knows any young man with a good fortune would be lucky to have her? How can I approach this situation by helping my daughter to have confidence in herself, but also so that she can have a good match?
- A Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned Mother:
I have also had a similar experience to yours with my daughters. I think it is easy for girls to get into their heads about what they think their marriage needs to look like. The best thing you can do is confront them about it. The first thing that I would do is let them know that there is hope for them to find a husband. I always tell my girls that, "it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife,"* and that all they have to do is merely find him! And, of course, once they find that man, they should never let him go. I also like to tell them that any match is a good match. Getting wrapped up in love will only make the courtship process more confusing. Tell your daughter that there will always be a man out there for her, as long as men are still in possession of a good fortune. Good luck!
- Mrs. Bennet
Dear Mrs. Bennet:
My daughter found the PERFECT match last night at the ball that we attended. He is handsome with a hefty fortune that if I said aloud I would be afraid to offend you. This morning, he offered her his hand in marriage in front of the whole family when we were all in the drawing room. To my absolute surprise, she said no and got into an argument with the man. How preposterous! She ran out of the drawing room and into our garden. As I chased after her and asked her why she would do such a thing, she said it was merely because she did not want to marry him. Can you believe such a thing? I want her to marry this man. I need her to marry this man for her sake and mine. What do you suggest that I do to make her come back to reality and accept his proposal?
- A Frustrated Mother
Dear Frustrated Mother:
I recognize and understand the pain that you are suffering. I had a similar situation with one of my daughters. She was recently proposed to as well and she denied the proposal. I too thought that my daughter was crazy, because she is. You are absolutely right in trying your best to secure a marriage for your daughter because you want what is best for her, which is her having a bright and plentiful future. If you truly believe this is the man she needs to marry, and he of course has a good fortune, I suggest that you give your daughter an ultimatum. Tell your daughter that if she does not accept the marriage that you will never see her again. Here is an example of what you could say: "I should never speak to you again, and you will find me as good as my word. I have no pleasure in talking to undutiful children." In my experience, this has not worked perfectly, but even if she does not accept the marriage, at least she will know that you are extremely upset with her. If you try this with your daughter multiple times, one of the ultimatums might just stick!
I have attached a video below that represents a possible interaction that you could have with your daughter. Enjoy!
- Mrs. Bennet
Dear Mrs. Bennet:
I have been enduring a lot of hardship during the process of finding a husband for my two daughters. They are both coming out into society this year and they clearly do not want to be there. I swear they would be happier without a husband at all. My oldest was already offered a proposal, but she turned it down because she did not think they could make each other happy. If that is not the most trivial thing I have ever heard, I do not know what is. She needs to have security in her future. I need her to have security so I can stop worrying about her. Do you think I should talk to her about reconsidering her suitor, or should I help her to look in other directions? I just had to write into you because I know you are an expert and my husband is so tired of hearing me complain about this dreadful, yet sometimes wonderful, process. I hope you understand.
- A Mother Pained by Her Nerves
Dear Mother Pained by Her Nerves:
I am so glad that you reached out. Don't worry about upsetting your husband. As I always say, "those who do not complain are never pitied," and everyone needs a little pity sometimes! I understand your struggle and pain. The marriage and courting process is daunting, stressful, and outright outrageous when your children do not want to participate. I, too, am pained by nerves. I always tell my husband "nobody is on my side... I am cruelly used, nobody feels for my poor nerves." You need to explain the pain that your daughters are putting you through so that they can understand how stressful this process really is. To answer your question, I think that you could try to talk to the suitor, but this will probably lead to no good. He will probably have a new wife in about three days. I would suggest being more proactive from here. Explain to your daughter that if she keeps refusing suitors, she will never find a husband. This way, she will have to evaluate her actions, and she could possibly reconsider. Above everything, make sure she understands the struggle that you are going through. While this is a difficult process for daughters, it is difficult for mothers as well. If you remind them that you are troubled, their daughterly senses can kick in and try to secure a marriage for you so that you are comforted. I hope this helps!
- Mrs. Bennet
Mothers! Write in your questions to us in the box below. Mrs. Bennet thanks you for your support and for always trusting her with your marriage and courtships dilemmas.
* Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, ed. Vivien Jones (London: Penguin, 2014), p. 5. Other quotes from page 111.
Website created by Sabrina Huston, Legal Fictions of the Enlightenment, Marquette University, Spring 2021.